I cut my penus on the lid.
nutella sex= disaster
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
