so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
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im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
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I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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