just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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