Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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