Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Green mimosas i think yes
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
