I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
as a side note pls kill me
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
