so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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