I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
