Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Also, beer. Big fan.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
