Cold hands, warm shart.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
