its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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