Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
