Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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