we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
