Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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