I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
my poor anus
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
