If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
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fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Can you bring me the toilet please
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She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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