I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
