he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
