Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
