The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
