Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
