Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
