HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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