The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
