a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
then he tried to convert me to islam
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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