In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
