We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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