Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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