I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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