I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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