I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
