Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
