there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
