Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
