My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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