Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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