she told me i tasted like america
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
