I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Randomize
