I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
