can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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