her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
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I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
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My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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