the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
