I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
