I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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