He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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