And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
