Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
