i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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