Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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