Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
