My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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