Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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