One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
